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I post whatever strikes my fancy that I find beautiful, amusing, affecting, shocking, creative, important. I post about recovery from alcoholism, art, science fiction, poetry, animals, humor, nature, photography, mental illness, and politics.

I am a recovered alcoholic with schizo-affective disorder, which is like bipolar disorder with some extra crazy thrown in. My symptoms are under control with medication and therapy.

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Step 11

Be courageous and discipline yourself.
Work. Keep digging your well.
Don’t think about getting off from work.
Water is there somewhere.
Submit to a daily practice.
Your loyalty to that
is a ring on the door.
Keep knocking, and the joy inside
will eventually open a window
and look out to see who’s there.

—The Illuminated Prayer, Coleman Barks and Michael Green

The daily practice of Step 11, especially upon awakening and before retiring at night, is knocking at the door of my Higher Power.  When I feel that window open and feel that joy connection, there is nothing else in life like it!  I think I’ll keep digging my well, doing my daily practice. 

2 days ago
1 note

As women, when we’re children we’re taught to enter the world with big hearts. Blooming hearts. Hearts bigger than our damn fists. We are taught to forgive - constantly - as opposed to what young boys are taught: Revenge, to get ‘even.’ Our empathy is constantly made appeals to, often demanded for. If we refuse to show kindness, we are reprimanded. We are not good women if we do not crush our bones to make more space for the world, if we do not spread our entire skin over rocks for others to tread on, if we do not kill ourselves in every meaning of the word in the process of making it cozy for everyone else. It is the heat generated by the burning of our bodies with which the world keeps warm. We are taught to sacrifice so much for so little. This is the general principle all over the world.

By the time we are young women, we are tired. Most of us are drained. Some of us enter a lock of silence because of that lethargy. Some of us lash out. When I think of that big, blooming heart we once had, it looks shriveled and worn out now. When I was teaching, I had a young student named Mariam. She was only 11 years old. Some boy pushed her around in class, called her names, broke her spirit for the day. We were sitting under a chestnut tree on a field trip and she asked me if a boy ever hurt me. I told her many did and I destroyed them one by one. I think that’s the first time she ever heard the word ‘destroyed.’ We rarely teach our girls to fight back for the right reasons.

Take up more space as a woman. Take up more time. Take your time. You are taught to hide, censor, move about without messing up decorum for a man’s comfort. Whether it’s said or not, you’re taught balance. Forget that. Displease. Disappoint. Destroy. Be loud, be righteous, be messy. Mess up and it’s fine – you are learning to unlearn. Do not see yourself like glass. Like you could get dirty and clean. You are flesh. You are not constant. You change. Society teaches women to maintain balance and that robs us of our volatility. Our mercurial hearts. Calm and chaos. Love only when needed; preserve otherwise.

Do not be a moth near the light; be the light itself. Do not let a man’s ocean-big ego swallow you up. Know what you want. Ask yourself first. Decide your own pace. Decide your own path. Be cruel when needed. Be gentle only when needed. Collapse and then re-construct. When someone says you are being obscene, say yes I am. When they say you are being wrong, say yes I am. When they say you are being selfish, say yes I am. Why shouldn’t I be? How do you expect a woman to stand on her two feet if you keep striking her at the ankles.

There are multiple lessons we must teach our young girls so that they render themselves their own pillars instead of keeping male approval as the focal point of their lives. It is so important to state your feelings of inconvenience as a woman. We are instructed to tailor ourselves and our discomfort - constantly told that we are ‘whining’ and ‘nagging’ and ‘complaining too much.’ That kind of silence is horribly violent, that kind of insistence upon uniformly nodding in agreement to your own despair, and smiling emptily so no man is ever uncomfortable around us. Male-entitlement dictates a woman’s silence. If we could see the mimetic model of the erasure of a woman’s voice, it would be an incredibly bloody sight.

On a breezy July night, my mother and I were sleeping under the open sky. Before dozing off, I told her that I think there is a special place in heaven where all wounded women bury their broken hearts and their hearts grow into trees that only give fruit to the good and poison to the bad. She smiled and said Ameen. Then she closed her eyes.

hookersorcake:

Everything is fuckedand we can’t fix it.
So bring on the drugsthe critically acclaimed televisionthe 99 cent double cheeseburgers.
Entropy is measured in unclaimed garden weasels.
Last night Billy Mays appeared to me in a dream.He was in heaven, selling the 70 virgin setdo it yourself “Anal Bleaching Dream Cream.”
Not only does it make everything, including assholes,incredibly white, but it transforms infidels, karma, and original sin!Act within 30 minutes, and you’ll never feel guilty again.
Billy Mays wept joyfully as a host of angelssang the product’s praises,even as the devil read aloud the fine printeven as my cell phone lost all hope of reception.

hookersorcake:

Everything is fucked
and we can’t fix it.

So bring on the drugs
the critically acclaimed television
the 99 cent double cheeseburgers.

Entropy is measured in unclaimed garden weasels.

Last night Billy Mays appeared to me in a dream.
He was in heaven, selling the 70 virgin set
do it yourself “Anal Bleaching Dream Cream.”

Not only does it make everything, including assholes,
incredibly white, but it transforms infidels, karma, and original sin!
Act within 30 minutes, and you’ll never feel guilty again.

Billy Mays wept joyfully as a host of angels
sang the product’s praises,
even as the devil read aloud the fine print
even as my cell phone lost all hope of reception.

1 day ago
95 notes

24 Hours a Day

Thought for the Day
We have this choice every day of our lives.  We can take the path that leads to insanity and death.  And remember, our next drunk could be our last one.  Or we can take the path that leads to a reasonably happy and useful life.  The choice is ours each day of our lives.  God grant that we take the right path.  Have I made my choice today?

Meditation for the Day
Your real work in life is to grow spiritually.  To do this you must follow the path of diligently seeking good.   The hidden spiritual wonders are revealed to those who diligently seek this treasure.  From one point to the next, you have to follow the way of obedience to God’s will until finally you reach greater and greater spiritual heights.  Work on the material plane should be secondary to your real life’s work.  The material things which you need most are those which help you to attain the spiritual.

Prayer for the Day: I pray that I may keep growing spiritually, I pray that I may make this my real life’s work.

—Twenty-Four Hours a Day

4 days ago
1 note

From Stools and Bottles.

Fifth Daily Reminder
Our AA book states that we either kill self-centeredness or that it will kill us; that we are “extreme examples of self-will run riot” — would-be big shots, unable to run our own lives. This seems unbelievable and hard to admit yet we cannot recover until we do admit and fully believe it.

Suggested Meditation
Self-centeredness opposes every spiritual principle. Alcoholics have always met defeat by defying these principles. By playing God, by drinking and bragging, “I did this—I did that—if it hadn’t been for me,” we rationalized in alcoholic bunk. We mistook insanity and slavery for power and freedom. AA will help us to overcome this slavery. Our first step toward freedom, however, lies in freedom from self.

6 days ago
0 notes

a little step 3

"Jacob, where do you find the strength to carry on in life?"

"Life is often heavy because we attempt to carry it," said Jacob.

—From Jacob the Baker by Noah benShea.

This brings to mind the 3rd Step, in which we made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 

Life is always heavier when I try to carry it alone. Thankfully, AA taught me to find my Higher Power so I don’t feel alone any more. The fellowship certainly helps too. In old days, I was alone and afraid. Those days are behind me!

1 week ago
0 notes